Years ago, a friend told me the story of how she learned to kayak. I’ll never forget it—it’s indelibly embedded into my heart. The funny thing is how clearly it aligns with Everyday Communication Sorcery.
Check this out.
My friend’s first few hours of her kayaking training began exactly as she expected, with an overview of the equipment (kayak, paddle & safety gear) and how to use each one. Then safely getting into and out of the kayak, then sitting in it and feeling the connection between the kayak and your body, then the kayak and the water. Finally, using the paddle to maneuver and stay balanced. Simple enough.
The next part of the class was a surprise—a shock, even. That’s when the instructors taught them how to make a “wet exit” (getting out of your kayak when it’s flipped over and you’re upside down in the water). Final exam was getting tipped over and succeeding at exiting.
Apparently you can’t grasp this intellectually. Even though the instructors took them through each step of the process, my friend told me how crucial it was to feel the physical shock of being upside down. You have to get past it the first time—when you’re safe and have instructors to help—so you can get the “body memory” of what to do immediately. It’s like riding a bike—the learning happens in your body. It’s the only way to quickly calm yourself enough to remember what you’ve been taught and get yourself out.
Here’s the three-step recipe:
- Calm yourself—this will get your brain back online. This situation is normal for kayaking.
- Get oriented. Remember to lean forward to disengage—and—fight your instinct to lean back to get out or you’ll get stuck.
- Push your body out. Then head for the surface and flip the kayak over with your weight—or simply hold on & wait for help.
Like anything, the more you do it, the easier it gets, until it becomes your new instinct.
Being upside down in a kayak is a useful metaphor for what it feels like for some of us to experience strong emotion. Because of the way we’ve been trained to stay logical and discount our feelings, our instincts lead us to fight what’s happening and shut it down. Just like learning how to make a “wet exit,” making friends with your feelings will keep you calm in the midst of the strongest emotions.
Here’s how being friends with my feelings worked for me just last week: I was taking my 91-year-old MIL to an important meeting. The amount of walking meant that she needed her rollator walker, which I had pre-packed in the car. We were on time. We were prepared. Then as I was talking the rollator out of the car, the front wheel came off in my hand. With my whole body’s instant response, I might as well have been upside down in a kayak. (No breath. No brain. Only my heart pounding in my chest.)
Fortunately, I’ve been trained.
I kept my focus on my breathing: deep slow breaths to calm myself, ease the pounding and get my brain back online. I reminded myself that this was normal, while concentrating only on repositioning the screw and bolt that held the wheel in. Time actually stopped—because it wasn’t going to help me fix that wheel. Then, all of a sudden, I had the wheel back on, and I was at the passenger door to get Mom to go inside to our meeting.
Since I made friends with my feelings decades ago, this was simply a new—and unexpected—experience. Even though it caught me off guard and I had an instant physical response, it was relatively simple to get myself through it. You can see exactly how I did it when you take another look at my three-step recipe for connecting with your feelings (from last week):
- Be curious and interested: like any friendship, this one requires your interest and curiosity to get off the ground.
- Spend time with them: when you have a feeling, give yourself 90 seconds to experience it without trying to shut it down or ignore it. The more you do this, the easier it gets.
- Observe them—and see what you discover: every feeling has a message for you. The more you welcome your feelings, the easier it is for that message to come through.
Today’s playbook focused step #2: Spend time with (your feelings). We will definitely do more of that in upcoming playbook episodes, as well as more on the other two steps.
Next week—and the week after—I’ll be thinking of you as I take some vacation time for my birthday. You’ll have your next Playbook in your mailbox on Thursday, July 13.
This time last year, I was helping Mom move out of her home of 42 years in Northern VA. We landed here in NE Ohio in mid-July. It’s been an awesome and exciting year on multiple fronts (including getting Mom settled—and launching Everyday Communication Sorcery and this Playbook!) Chuck and Mom and I are only now taking the time to look around and catch our collective breath. I hope I can inspire you to take some time for yourself and relax as summer begins, with July 4 right around the corner.
Play of the week: Try out the “wet exit” kayak strategy the next time you get blindsided by a big emotion:
- Calm yourself—this will get your brain back online. Remind yourself that this situation is normal for (whatever you’re in the middle of).
- Get oriented. Remember to (allow this feeling its full 90 seconds)—and—fight your instinct to (shut down or run from it) or you’ll get stuck.
- (Take action)—or simply hold on and (ask) for help.
Try out these three steps and see what happens. The Big Win here is to consider the possibility that these steps have merit—create the “body memory” for yourself and see what happens.
Important Note: All you’re doing this week is exploring.
There’s no way to screw this up.
