Yay! You’re here.
(You didn’t run screaming from the room after last week’s kinda long playbook—you came back for more. YAY!)
Today’s (slightly shorter & even more useful) Playbook is the payoff for that choice, and here’s WHY:
IF these two things are true:
IF these two things are true:
- we’re connected to our birth/adopted family in our DNA—and
- the choices our ancestors made—and the trauma they may have experienced—come down to us in the relationship “soup” in which we are raised,
THEN it stands to reason that we can also choose to examine that soup and make new choices at any moment. While we still draw breath, we can always make new choices.
That means that the choices we make in the present will also flow down to those who come after us in exactly the same way as our ancestor’s choices flowed down to us.
That’s where the Everyday Communication Sorcery comes in:
When my two sisters and I started our Family Reinvention work six years ago, we chose three behaviors that were the exact opposite of the soup in which we were raised—and had unconsciously continued to operate.
The Sorcery emerged because we chose what we wanted. We were simply willing to see what happened when we tried out these new behaviors—we kept on adjusting on the fly. The magic was in our conscious choosing, no matter what emerged in our conversations.
Full disclosure: We Made It All Up!
We had no idea what we were doing—we only knew that we wanted something new. We wanted to enjoy each other’s company and we really wanted to stop triggering each other into our old family sh*t. My favorite part of this story is that we helped each other to see us and our entire family more clearly, as we revealed ourselves to each other. As a result, we left a lot of outdated family baggage by the (proverbial) side of the road.
The biggest win was the new understanding we built—of ourselves and our family history—because we finally brought together all of our individual stories and experiences.
The biggest win was the new understanding we built—of ourselves and our family history—because we finally brought together all of our individual stories and experiences.
Yes. You Can Do It, Too
Everyday Communication Sorcery is meant to be shared. The bottom line here is that my sisters and I soon realized we were delving into an understanding that is w-a-a-a-a-a-y bigger than us. We were surprised to discover that these three behaviors will work for anyone. Like all unhappy families or situations, your circumstances may be unique, yet the happiness that results from choosing these behaviors, again and again, is the same for all of us: peace, joy and belonging.
How Does It Work?
OBTW: Here’s the part that takes a bit of patience to read through. Nothing says you have to read it all at once—this is deep stuff we’re exploring here! That being said, I promise that I have kept it simple and straightforward, knowing that we’ve just started this conversation. This is not the whole story. It’s just the beginning.
Here’s how my sisters and I used those three behaviors—no doubt you’ll find your own ways to adapt them.
Here’s how my sisters and I used those three behaviors—no doubt you’ll find your own ways to adapt them.
- Allow ANYthing. The operative word here is “allow.” Although it doesn’t come naturally to most of us, allowing is actually the biggest magic in the set. If you happen to be a “word nerd” like me, you might even look it up.
Although I’m seriously simplifying here, you’ll discover that “allow” is the kind of verb that’s universal—it applies to everyone and everything, not any particular someone or something. It means, “to make a possibility…to give consideration to…to give an opportunity.” You can see that once you make room for “allow,” the “ANYthing” part is, well…easy.
Meanwhile, our historic Family Soup didn’t leave much room for allowing—the operative phrase for us growing up was “NOT ALLOWED”, as in “you’re not allowed to (fill in a wide variety of actions)”. Without digressing into all the ways this showed up in our soup, you won’t be surprised that each of the three of us had internalized our own versions of what was “not allowed” in our sibling relationships. We had to tackle that stuff full on.
Looking back on it, I visualize it like this: each one of us was holding onto our individual perspectives—like our own personal, emotional, stick—with something like a death grip. In order to build our capacity for allowing, we had to pry each one of our five fingers off that stick, put it down, and open our hand. As painful or disorienting as that could be, we wanted the result so deeply that we kept at it—for more than a year, in weekly zoom conversations that could often go for 2-3 hours. (Oh yeah. Intensity is a family trait.)
The more breakthroughs we had, the more quickly we grew and the more skillful we got at helping each other. We astonished ourselves with the transformations we began to see every single week.
After that first year or so, our conversations started to be FUN; these days our conversations are random and interesting and EASY, even if there’s something emotional or complicated going on. We graduated from our weekly zoom-fests a few years ago, yet we still use everything we learned with each other. Learning to allow has changed everything for us.
- Request ANYthing. The operative word here is “request.” There are two big bonuses here:
a) When you can ask for anything you want, you are 100% likely to get it—although not necessarily from the first person you ask, or even the first time you ask. The trick is to keep requesting until you get what you want. My sisters and I remained clear that any request was just that—and everyone had full permission to say “no” or “not now.” We allowed ourselves permission to ask for anything and we allowed ourselves permission to opt out of being the one who granted the request if we were unable (or even unwilling, for our own reasons) to grant it.
b) In case that sounds CRAZY, I promise you that this gets really easy when you know the difference between “request” and “demand.” You don’t have to be a word nerd to get the emotional difference between these two words.
The first is full of “allow” and the second is full of the opposite. In our family soup—and in the family soups of many of my clients, colleagues, and friends—a demand often arrives in the costume of a request. All is fine until you say “no” and then you will see that you’re facing what my dictionary describes as “something being claimed as due or owed.” You’ll get instantly clear on what is “not allowed” as a response.
And OBTW: the majority of folks who demand are not bad people. They’re simply “bad wizards” who don’t know how to make a request—or how to take care of (that thing they want) for themselves, so they want you to do it.
My sisters and I eventually got skilled in catching ourselves (unconsciously!) demanding from each other what we could not yet give to ourselves. Over time, we helped each other to get more skilled at requests and less dependent on demands. Helping ourselves to drop even our unconscious demands with each other has been a total game-changer for us.
- Admit EVERYthing. Once again, all that work on allowing and requesting makes this last behavior so much easier. The operative word here—admit—is another one of those universal verbs that applies to everyone and everything, and not any particular someone or something. It’s directly connected to “allow” and “acknowledge.”
This practice of Admitting Everything kept us from having to GUESS (usually incorrectly) what was going on with each other. Because we could admit EVERYTHING and know we would be heard, we unearthed feelings and beliefs that were not only harming us, they were harming our relationship. Some of these feelings and beliefs were generations-old in our family; by admitting them to each other, we stopped their transmission to the generations that follow. That sh*t stops with US.
IMPORTANT NOTE OF CAUTION: It’s really important with this one to be very clear about To WHOM you admit WHAT. This one requires HUGE SAFE SPACE, something we were committed to providing for each other. This was something that we—and many people—did not have as children. Without that safe space, this practice will definitely be emotionally hazardous. If you have ANY DOUBT about your own emotional safety, we recommend that you ADMIT NOTHING until you are with someone you can trust with your life.
That’s it. Now you have it all—the Everyday Communication Sorcery we used to create our own Family Reinvention, to bring more LIFE to our family.
To do this yourself, you only have to add: 1) the people you want to share this with, 2) the time to practice in conversations and 3) the intention that you are in it for the long haul.
If this combo seems bigger that you want to even think about, no worries. If you’ve read this far, you get big points for starting down a path that’s new for many people. (It was new to US a mere 6 years ago!) A healthy dose of “overwhelm” is totally normal.
And… it would be just like me to mention that you always have a choice about how and when to use any new information you get.
If this combo seems bigger that you want to even think about, no worries. If you’ve read this far, you get big points for starting down a path that’s new for many people. (It was new to US a mere 6 years ago!) A healthy dose of “overwhelm” is totally normal.
And… it would be just like me to mention that you always have a choice about how and when to use any new information you get.
As soon as you’re ready, I invite you to take one small step: What’s the next smallest step you can take on the road to claiming more peace, joy and belonging for yourself in your family relationships?
That’s how my sisters and I got started six short years ago. It’s worked out so well for us that we’re committed to continuing these three practices with each other for the rest of our lives.
Our biggest WIN? Inspiring other family members to join us.
Play of the week: Over the next week, I invite you to simply sit with this new layer of information in a way that feels best to you. There are no specific steps—each of us is in our own unique space with our family situation.
Instead, I invite you to allow yourself to simply take ONE action that supports you. However you do it will be perfect for you—including choosing to simply breathe right now, while you table any other actions around this for another time.
As you continue to breathe, I invite you to give yourself full permission to think about how—when you’re ready—you might:
Instead, I invite you to allow yourself to simply take ONE action that supports you. However you do it will be perfect for you—including choosing to simply breathe right now, while you table any other actions around this for another time.
As you continue to breathe, I invite you to give yourself full permission to think about how—when you’re ready—you might:
- ALLOW ANYTHING (what’s one thing you might allow—for yourself or someone in your family—now that you have seen how it worked for my sisters and me?)
- REQUEST ANYTHING (what’s one thing you might ask for—from anyone you need it from—remembering that even though you won’t always get a yes from every request, you can always ask someone else until you get one.)
- ADMIT EVERYTHING (what’s one thing you might admit to yourself—about what you need or how you feel—either out loud to yourself, or by journaling? Bonus step: if you have one person who you trust with your life, what is one thing you might tell them about this experience?)
Take one small step and see what happens. As always, the Big Win here is to consider the possibility that this practice will benefit you—something you can only prove one way or the other by trying it out.
THIS WEEK’S SPECIAL BONUS—RENEWED:
If you liked what you read this week and you want to take a deeper dive into how understanding your Family System can work for you—for FREE—head on over to www.maiabeatty.com and schedule your 30-minute Discovery Session with me. We will NOT be talking about coaching; I am currently not accepting any new clients. So if you want to unpack anything in this week’s Playbook in real time, there’s a spot for you in the next 7 days.
Important Note: All you’re doing this week
is exploring.
is exploring.
There’s no way to screw this up.