MMMM-hmmm. I am soooo not kidding. As someone who spent decades at the mercy of my feelings, 24/7, I promise you that it can be done.
If the idea of choosing your feelings seems far-fetched at best, or even ridiculous, I promise you I used to feel that very same way. As someone who (still!) never takes a breath without a feeling, someone who spent decades at the mercy of (mostly negative) random feelings, the thought of controlling them—let alone choosing them!—had frankly never occurred to me for my first four decades on the planet.
After spending the last three decades looking, I’ve discovered exactly how to choose my feelings in any moment, in any conversation, and when I’m speaking in public. What I discovered feels so exciting that I want to share it with everyone on the planet. Starting with you. The good news is that you can learn how to choose your own feelings in a fraction of the time it took me.
Meanwhile, you know how there are folks out there who like to tell you things in a very suspenseful way—so you’re hanging on every word? Their catch phrase is “wait for it!”
I’m (mostly) not that person.
So let me share with you right up front exactly what we’ll be doing in our weekly playbook: we’ll be unpacking, untangling, and uncovering everything that connects to Choosing The Feelings You Want.
And we’ll focus on three different situations: you in relationship to yourself (so you can feel comfortable in your skin), you in conversation with others (so you can feel heard as well as listen) and you in front of any audience (so you can feel confident and connected as you share your message).
Each week we’ll take one bite out of this big juicy topic, and you’ll get something you can use right away.
This week, here’s the answer to a question I get all the time.
Q: What’s the difference between an emotion and a feeling?
A: When I looked up the word “emotion” in the dictionary, the answer I found was so confusing that my eyes (literally!) rolled up in my head. Although at first glance, it looked like emotions might be another word for feelings, I knew they were different and so I kept on looking. That’s when I found a very illuminating article from Dakota Family Services that put into words what I’ve always sensed: “emotion” comes as a physical sensation and “how you feel” is the result of the thought you have about that sensation.
So although we can be surprised by an emotion (physical sensation) that seems to come out of “nowhere,” we can absolutely learn to choose the feeling we have in any moment.
The good news is that you can also discover where “nowhere” is and how it affects your emotions. That’s another story for another edition of this playbook. (I know—even though I rarely say, “wait for it,” this time I really have to. So I trust that you will…)
To wrap up today’s edition, here’s something useful that you don’t have to wait for: the exact process of Choosing Your Feelings in Any Moment. Here are its three steps:
- Get in touch with your emotions and feelings—get to know what they are and how they work
- Get lots of practice in experiencing all of your emotions and feelings
- Experiment—practice choosing your feelings, make note of your results, and repeat (for the rest of your life.)
Play of the Week: Every week, I’ll invite you to play with whatever we’re talking about, so you don’t have to take my word for it, you can find out for yourself. (This isn’t as weird as it may feel at first. It’s simply a practice that will lead you to start to trust your own feelings…about everything. I highly recommend it!)
This week: Check in with yourself throughout the day and simply be curious: What are you feeling? Make a note in your phone. All answers are totally perfect and totally normal, including “I’m feeling nothing.”
Important Note: All you’re doing this week is checking and recording.
There’s no way to screw this up.