Blog

Huh. The Asshole Option vs. The Love Option (Part 1 of 2)

You know that feeling you get when you realize that you acted like a total asshole in some situation where you weren’t feeling the love (for whatever reason) and you put all your energy into being right and defending yourself—and then finished it up with a flourish, by leveling a scathing “Oh NO you DIDN’T!!” vibe at the person before walking away feeling righteous?
 
I know, right?  (Been there. Done that.) 

The technical term I’ve given that behavior is “The Asshole Option (AO).
 
How About The Sorcery?
 
Remember that Sorcery is all about choosing your feelings in any moment? Since we’re all human, let’s face it: EVERYONE chooses the AO sometimes. (Some folks simply choose it more often…and most folks are totally unaware of how they chose it.)
 
When you can recognize your own impulse to go “full-on AO”, you actually have a choice about using this option or not.
 
That choice is the Sorcery.
 
Here’s why: when you get caught unaware, that AO impulse—to defend, protect, or even defy—will sweep you away like a storm. You’re beyond choice and at the mercy of your circumstances. (For more details on how easily that can happen, check out the Playbooks from July 20 and July 27…)
 
This week’s Playbook is your Cheat Sheet for recognizing that AO impulse, so you’ll always have a choice. Next week, we’ll unpack the other alternative, The Love Option (LO).
 
The AO: Full Disclosure
 
Here’s the funny thing: choosing the AO
always starts out with feeling a lack of love.

You might be feeling left out, or put upon, or wronged. No matter your particular details, you can count on the fact that there is no love in your scenario.
 
That lack of love leaves you feeling vulnerable—and that’s where the trouble begins.
 
So many of us are wired to translate this feeling of being vulnerable to the certainly of IMPENDING DOOM, which instantly leads us to GO FULL-ON-AO (i.e., Protection Ninja).
 
This is so predictable, you can actually map it out—because no matter how uniquely we each access our Inner Asshole (IA), there are ALWAYS three elements at play:
  1. The projection of invulnerability (That stupid thing you’re doing doesn’t matter to me—or bother me.)
  2. The illusion of solitariness (I’m in this by myself and you can’t touch me.)
  3. The perspective of your subjective experience (My version of this is totally true and I am totally right.)
Yeah, I know—it IS pretty silly when you map it out like that, huh?
 
That’s why using Everyday Communication Sorcery to unpack this impulse is so powerful—because we NEVER feel silly when we’re in the middle of an AO episode. 
 
Meanwhile, it’s worth remembering that Everyday Communication Sorcery is all about choosing your feelings. It’s hard to have a choice if you don’t experience ALL of your feelings, including the ones that leave you feeling like … well, crap.
 
Now that you’ve seen the AO for what it really is, you have increased the amount of choice you have over it. Most of us, in hindsight, can see how we might have “nuked a mosquito” or “made a mountain out of a molehill.” So how can you get in front of the AO to give yourself the widest amount of choice all the time?  Here’s my best suggestion:
 
Embrace Your Inner Asshole (IA)!
 
Crazy, right?? (Not what you were expecting, huh?)
 
Stay with me for a moment—I promise you there is a genius outcome from this “crazy” choice, because you can’t embrace something you don’t have positive feelings for.
 
When you add positive feelings into any situation, you change the game—because positive feelings (like love, acceptance, and willingness) WARM UP EVERYTHING and expand your possibilities exponentially.
Once you embrace your own IA, you increase your ability to choose your options in any conversation—because you’ve just increased the amount of love in your situation.
  • Remembering that the cause of the AO in the first place is you feeling a lack of love, when you add Love for yourself right now it  CHANGES THE WHOLE STORY.
  • When you change the whole story, you seriously decrease the odds that the AO will hijack you when you least expect it, or your emotions will carry you away like a storm.
  • So why not remember that the AO is simply a human response to feeling a lack of love (which you attempt to solve by using those three elements to make yourself FEEL BETTER)?  That allows you to unpack each element for yourself—and reduces the danger of unleashing that emotional storm on anyone else.
Here’s how to lean in and embrace yourself when you’re right in the throes of the AO:
 
HUG YOURSELF.
 
(Yeah. Right in the middle of you being FULL ON AO.)
 
Here’s WHY:
  1. When you’re feeling vulnerable, that embrace is a great big HUG. It feels good—it relaxes you. It opens the door for you to drop that “invulnerability” crap, because it’s a lie anyway. (Right?)
  2. When you’re feeling solitary—feeling like it’s you against the world and you, alone in your pain—that warm embrace you give yourself leaves you feeling comforted, so you can drop that crap about being untouched. The one thing that so many of us need right now is human touch—so give it to yourself. (I just learned a fabulous strategy for embracing yourself in the midst of the AO, from my teachers Melissa Tiers & Simone Seol in their class “Emotional First Aid. It’s called “Havening.”  You can see it when you catch the replay while supporting the restoration efforts for Maui for as little as $5. https://donorbox.org/emotional-first-aid-when-disaster-strikes)
  3. When you feel like you’re right and your experience is the only truth, it always helps to get a HUG to feel validated. Once you feel safe and held, it’s a lot easier to consider other perspectives besides your own. (This one was a game-changer for me last week when I had to embrace myself in a rampant AO moment. It was pretty sobering to discover how many other people besides me in my situation were also in anguish.)
Play of the week: This week, I invite you to consider the possibility that you can benefit mightily when uncover your own AO in real time.
  1. Anytime this week, see if you can catch yourself in the midst of an AO—whether you chose it or got swept up in it. Take the time to see how many of the three elements are involved.
  2. CONGRATULATE YOURSELF! WHOO HOOO!! You CAUGHT IT!
  3. GIVE YOURSELF A GREAT BIG HUG—YOU WIN!!! Laughing is totally optional (useful, though)
Next week, we’ll explore the Love Option (LO).
 
Try out these three steps and see what happens. The Big Win here is to consider the possibility that these steps have merit—something you can only prove one way or the other by trying them out. 
 
Important Note: All you’re doing this week 
is PLAYING & EXPLORING.
There’s NOTHING to SOLVE.