You know the feeling you get when you’ve reached the absolute limits of your tolerance—or belief—or ability—and you finally have to surrender to this reality you’re facing right now? The one where you have to let go of that reality you prefer yet can do nothing to achieve?
YEAH. That’s the one.
Spending another day in the ER this past weekend gave me lots of time to reflect—so it feels like I’m on the other side of something that’s worth sharing with you.
And. Knowing there are so many versions of this particular kind of surrender, I thought you might find it useful to hang out here with me and explore it for yourself.
Why Surrender?
Here’s the crazy thing: in the western world, we’ve been trained since childhood to “NEVER SURRENDER!”
We’ve been taught that:
- there’s only one winner in everything—and it should always be US.
- We should never give in—if necessary, we need to be willing to make it a fight to the death. (Think of living in the U.S. state whose motto is, “Live Free or Die.”)
- Surrendering—or coming in second—is equivalent to LOSING, which makes you a LOSER. (This is the ultimate slur.)
So of course, in our western culture, no one in their right mind is going to surrender on purpose.
And YET…
- What if this idea is a total fabrication that only keeps us chasing any and every “WIN” and doing our best to escape any and every “LOSE?”
- What if it’s true that while we’re so involved in that never-ending process, we totally miss the gift that “surrender” brings us?
- What if surrender can be the most peaceful, life-affirming thing to do? (What if it’s a doorway to a future that’s more nourishing, grounding, and healthy?)
OH YEAH—these are the thoughts that emerged during my 6-hour ER stay this past Sunday…
Despite all my resistance to the medical reality I’ve been facing since last summer, rediscovering the idea that surrender is such a positive thing—a gift, even—was an eye-opening surprise.
Although it took me a minute, when faced with the stark choice of “Live Free (of multiple pharmaceuticals for Atrial Fibrillation) or DIE,” I chose to Surrender and LIVE—simply by accepting two more meds, upping my grand total to four.
In the process I learned something truly valuable about the process of surrender.
Variations on a Theme
Before we get to that, it’s worth mentioning that every one of us has our own unique circumstances that bring us face to face with the option of surrender.
Maybe your surrender isn’t as stark as mine was. Maybe you have to surrender to:
- the idea that a relationship (maybe even your marriage or your job) is no longer sustainable
- the fact that your body is changing (with age or life events)
- the fact that advancement in your profession now requires a graduate degree
- the dawning realization that your profession is no longer viable in the 21st century
- the sudden insight that you have no idea of how to solve a communication breakdown with someone who matters to you
Maybe your surrender is much bigger. Maybe you have to surrender to:
- the loss of a loved one—whether through death, divorce, or a long-distance move
- the diminishment of your health or the health of a loved one
- a long distance move away from everyone who—and a place that—you dearly love
The Gift Wrapped In Surrender
The truly valuable thing I learned about the process of surrender is to see whatever I’m facing as variations on a theme: I’m either chasing something that’s out of my reach or trying to escape something that’s inescapable.
Either way, when I let go of my resistance to my current reality, I open the doors to experiences that wouldn’t otherwise be possible:
- When I surrendered to the unsustainability of my previous two marriages within 8 years, I opened the doors to finding and marrying the Love of my Life (currently thriving after 34 years and nourishing me on every level imaginable).
- When I surrendered to the idea (over two decades ago) that my boss was actively trying to get me fired me and I couldn’t quit, I opened the doors to learning ways to communicate with him so effectively that it transformed our relationship in about 6 months—and allowed me to create a communication strategies program that still sells today. (See below for the link to join me for a free mini-version of this program.)
- When I surrendered to the idea that a dear friend of mine was dying of cancer, I opened the doors to learning how to fearlessly walk someone I love right to the doors of death. (I continue to repeat this practice in the decades since she passed.)
What About A Surrender HACK?
Believe me, if there was any way to make surrender easier, I’d be all over it. Knowing that there’s nothing that qualifies, I’m all over sharing the one fact that’s helped me tremendously: surrender is a process, not an event.
So feel free to let go of the idea that it’s simple and you can jump into surrender as easily as you would jump into the deep end of a pool. And feel free to let go of the idea that you can’t do it.
The good news is that simply knowing there’s a process for surrender makes it possible for you—because you can orient yourself, which (at least for me) makes it much less daunting.
So now that we’ve opened this door and you’re still reading, why not take the next week to let this idea that surrender is possible for you simply sink in?
You’ve already accomplished the biggest part of surrender: becoming aware that it exists and what it can do for you.
In the meantime, here are three secrets that helped me to surrender to my (formerly unwelcome) medical reality this week: it’s a process, you have choices, and you don’t have to surrender everything all at once.
My Personal Surrender
All the insights I’ve just shared with you made it so much easier for me to surrender to the fact that my initial date for the free Everyday Communication Sorcery class I am offering (Make Any Conversation EASIER: Especially the Ones That Drive You NUTS) isn’t physically possible.
No worries. The moment I surrendered to my current reality and stopped fighting it, new possibilities opened right up. (I find it simply too fun that several folks who couldn’t make the earlier date are cheering for the change.)
In case you’re wondering “Who cares about making conversations easier?” think about what would be different for you if any of these situations were no longer an issue for you:
- You work for someone who doesn’t like you—and who makes decisions about your promotions and pay raises/bonuses
- Your spouse is starting to get on your last nerve—and has told you that you’re definitely getting on theirs
- You have a teenager who isn’t listening to you
- You have a co-worker who you don’t like and don’t trust—and the feeling is mutual
- You dread visiting your in-laws
- You have people in your life who you have to talk to—yet it’s always some version of a royal pain in your butt
This is your personal invitation to join us. The new date is April 5 at 7 a.m. EDT and here’s the registration link:
Have a phenomenal week!