Hi My Dear Chuck,
You know that feeling you get when something happens that’s so far outside of what OUGHT to be happening that it seems to grab you by the shoulders and SHAKE you?
OMG. YES.
ANGER.
THIS is SOOOOO NOT RIGHT!
Full disclosure
In order to write this—10 days after the world blew up with the astounding results of our US election—I first had to effectively manage my own anger.
It strikes me as almost too funny (and not in a humorous way) that I seriously had to take my own advice about what to do about managing anger by practicing for myself everything I’m about to share with you.
Quick Recap
If you remember the stuff we covered in the last 2 Playbooks, skip this part and go straight to “So NOW WHAT?”
If this is your first time reading The Everyday Communication Sorcery Playbook, or if you like a quick recap, here’s where we’ve been in the last two episodes with this anger conversation, so you won’t miss a beat:
- Anger is a universal emotion whose sole purpose is to keep you safe
- Anger invites you to pay attention and DO SOMETHING.
- When our anger is “Unhealthy” it’s expressed with BLAME towards the other person—as if your boundary violation is their fault.
- Unhealthy anger shows up in three behaviors that harm any relationship: “aggressive” (physical violence aimed at another), “passive-aggressive” (the snide sarcastic version that uses psychological violence) or suppressive (feeling angry yet swallowing the feeling, so it leaks out in your behavior in other ways)
- When our anger is “Healthy” it’s expressed directly—without blame—even it you do it loudly or even emotionally: “I don’t like this” or “I don’t want this.”
- There’s NO BLAME in healthy anger—only an invitation for action and change—so it deepens any relationship.
- When our Energy Level is HIGH—because we’re well rested, well-nourished and SAFE—it takes a lot to trigger our anger.
- When our Energy Levels are depleted—because we’re exhausted, uncared for (by ourselves and/or others) as well as unsafe—we’re more vulnerable to both Anger and Fear
- Anger makes you want to FIGHT—and Fear makes you want to FLY(RUN)
- BOTH Fear and Anger prevent access to your brain because any thinking at all reduces your ability to either Fight or Fly—
- AND THAT’S WHY Bernard Golden reminds us that “…promoting fear and anger is a hallmark strategy used by authoritarian leaders to intensify our sense of threat and subsequently gain power.” (March 20, 2021, online edition of Psychology Today International)
So NOW WHAT?
There’s LOTS of Fear and Anger in the US right now.
There are those who were fueled by a wide range of dissatisfactions that resulted in a deep sense of fear and anger. They voted for someone who promised to fix everything that caused it. They handed over the reins of this country to an avowed “dictator from day 1” from that emotional state. (Although it really is waaaay more complicated, for our conversation, it’s easy to see that, like any angry or fearful human, they simply had no access to their brain—because that’s a biological impossibility.)
There are those who were fueled by a passion for democracy and the rule of law, who voted for someone who embodied the idea of “for the people and by the people” whose fear and anger erupted as they watched with horror as the opposite results came in early the next day. Their surprise at the number of Americans who chose authoritarianism over democracy—or allowed it to succeed because they either sat out this election or cast their vote for a third-party candidate—quickly turned to a deep-seated anger and fear.
Meanwhile, witnessing all this anger and fear leaves me undaunted at the prospect of offering some Everyday Communication Sorcery to help us maneuver our way through it.
Full disclosure: I say “us” because I’m right there with you—what I’m sharing has been my lifeboat in the emotional storm of the past 10 days, even though I’m only giving you the smallest viable practices to get you started.
Because this is only a post, I have to keep it simple and waaaaay shorter than this conversation might warrant.
No worries. Let’s start with some low-hanging fruit: what to watch for PLUS what to do first.
What to Watch For
- Remember that all authoritarian regimes (even brand-new wannabe ones like we’re seeing here) are built on creating Unhealthy Anger and Abject Fear.
- Authoritarian success depends upon effectively stoking the flames of these three Unhealthy Anger behaviors: 1) Aggression (physical violence aimed at another), 2) “Passive Aggression (the snide sarcastic version that uses psychological violence) and 3) Suppression (feeling angry yet swallowing the feeling, so it leaks out in your behavior in other ways)
- All three of these behaviors can FEEL totally normal—they’re the lowest common denominator of the way anger can grab you by the shoulders and shake you. Unfortunately, the instant you use them ON SOMEONE ELSE, you no longer have any choice—because your feelings are driving your behavior. Violence against another person—that you might never mean while you’re in your “right mind”—is now normalized.
What To Do First
- Remember: Anger is your alarm that your boundaries are being violated. Recognize this and you still have a choice. Your anger is simply your signal to act.
- HOW you act makes all the difference because WHAT you do with your feelings makes all the difference. FEEL your anger for yourself instead of USING it on other people.
- It’s totally human to “fire up’ with anger—you actually honor yourself when you allow your emotions to come out. The trick here is to do it ALONE—OR—in front of a safe human who’s simply there to help you VENT. Let the fire of your anger move through you and OUT—without resorting to any of the unhealthy behaviors that involve getting your anger all over someone else.
- Although there are some folks who find that they actually FREEZE when they’re angry, I’ve been taught that this can be a form of suppression. In my own experience, on the few occasions when I got cold with my anger, it was an emotional protection in a situation where it wasn’t safe for me to feel my usual FIRE. Even if this is your normal way of getting angry—the practice of getting yourself to a safe space still applies.
- Giving yourself permission to feel your own anger in a safe space is a huge practice of self-care—because it helps you to normalize your totally human capacity for anger without guilt or shame. It also helps you to move through it very quickly without getting stuck in it. (No surprise my best practice for easily working through my own anger is my BTS Anger Playlist, which I’m happy to share with anyone interested via email.)
- FINALLY, once you blow through the emotion of anger, you will get your brain back so you can decide what you want to DO about the boundary violation. It can be as simple as standing up for yourself in a relationship or conversation and saying what you want the next time, or as complicated as working for democracy in the face of an authoritarian administration. No matter what action is required, you’ll have full access to your entire brain if you will embrace your anger and pay attention to the message it has for you.
How About You?
What’s possible for you now that we’ve unpacked the basics of what anger is and how you can use it for good? No matter what your circumstances are or where you’re living, everything we’ve covered will work with anyone, anywhere on the planet.
Finally, if you want to dig deeper into anything about anger, my Thanksgiving gift to this Community is a no strings attached, 45-minute zoom session to explore anything you want to about anger. I have the capacity for 10 of these sessions over the next 30 days. If you want one, email me directly and we’ll set up a time that works for us both.
Next time, I’ll share with you where Everyday Communication Sorcery is headed…